Had a long long hangout with Justina and Angela today.
And between rose latte sips and red velvet bites was a long long conversation

on exes, flings, tears and stories of heartbreaks.

Somewhere between the lines we found out that everything happens because of a certain of 不甘心ness that we harbor.
And that pretty much concludes why we are such failures at our respective relationships.

It's because of 不甘心 that makes two girls cry and anger over their exes, whom they believe to 'think of me as nothing'. "Am I really nothing to him?!" - the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the 不甘心.

It's because of 不甘心 that makes me anguish over a relationship that never happened. Why? Angela was right - it's because I'm 不甘心 over the wrong timing; it's because I'm 不甘心 that we're never officially together; it's because I'm 不甘心 that I am nothing but a friend in his life.

I, am 不甘心.

I said that compared to them, I think I got it worse, because there has never really been a clear cut 'NO', which gives me tiny specks of hope, that I desperately cling onto. All these six years.

The girls said that I need to get over this. It's been 6 years. And I'm turning 22 soon. This, should be put to an end.

But there's still a 'but' deep down in my heart.

Something that I cannot understand.

Justina asked if it's because I'm afraid that I cannot keep the friendship between me and him anymore if I let it out.

Maybe.

I think VY is right, every person is selfish over the fact that he/she is cared for by somebody. In my case, it's Mr. E .Yes, I'm desperate to protect the care he has for me. Because it's warm, because however fickle it is, I treasure it.

Eventually, this needs to be stopped. The question is when. I don't know..

Maybe when I really don't care about him one day. or Maybe when I finally grow up from this childish silliness. or Maybe when I cannot take this anymore. maybe.

Oh yes, 不甘心ness, you really can destroy hearts.



But I gotta say I am very blessed to have these two sisters in crime.



Things learned today:
1) 4 things that should not be included in polite conversations: sex, politics, religion and GPA
2) Never discuss religion with atheists who aim at challenging you
3) 'What do you wanna do after you graduate' is only a good conversation topic to discuss with people who know you really, really well. It's rude to ask, otherwise.
4) Philosophy, like religion, is a very personal matter
5) Vanilla earl grey tea is a very heartwarming, calming drink

To-do:
1) get steve a present
2) reply Sr. Jeanne and Prof.Yook's emails
3) apply for UROP, check class reg timetable
4) apply for internships
5) get a hat/bag for grandma


and this song.. still rings true.




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